twenty.

it was my birthday on wednesday. my family's been in town. i've had a truckload of reading to do for class. and i just never feel like blogging anymore. such is life.

my birthday:

wednesday brent decorated the office. it was lovely. except for the 8x11" pictures of me taped on balloons hanging from the ceiling. i probably could have done without that. but, you know. that's life.

wednesday afternoon i spent laying on a blanket in the park reading a book and eating chocolate covered strawberries. it was absolutely perfect. best birthday afternoon.

wednesday also meant class, which was rough. having a summer birthday, i've never spent my birthday at school. the whole time i just kept thinking "it's my birthday, dontcha know?! i shouldn't be here!!" but i was, in the basement with no cell phone service, no internet, and no crackers (gluten. i miss my crackers.).

but after that, malawi's pizza with bri and mom and dad. and then a sleepover with bri. i like sleeping next to my sister in a twin size bed. we fit. she's wonderful. i wish we could have sleepovers every day.

it was the most wonderful birthday, complete with packages from my best friends. on friday we had a steak birthday dinner at my sister's house. family birthday dinners are just marvelous. not sure why. i'm just a big fan.

typically, i don't like birthdays, although i do like gaining a year. i look like a twelve year old, so it's nice when people ask how old i am to not have to follow the number with a -teen. i've been looking forward to that for a long time. twenty years, to be exact. (that's an exaggeration. i have a distinct memory of sitting in the van with my best friend and her mom, discussing my excitement in turning ten. double digits was such a big deal.)

so, i'm twenty. hooray.

odds & ends.

a) aubrey and i watched music and lyrics last night. i lovelovelove aubrey jean truman. she is the most hilarious, most fun, sweetest girl in the whole entire world and also she taught me about putting junior mints in the freezer which started me on a junior mint phase, frozen or not. YUM.

b) speaking of phases, i have eaten four tuna sandwiches in the last 36 hours. that translates into a tuna sandwich for dinner, a tuna sandwich for breakfast, a tuna sandwich for lunch, and a tuna sandwich for dinner. I LOVE TUNA SANDWICHES.

c) speaking of watching music and lyrics, i fell asleep during it. because it was two in the morning. so then i went to climb into my bed. where i proceeded to lay awake until 4:00 this morning. neat.

d) paige is my fuhhhhrrraaavvorite. our best days are the days when we take pictures of our lives. so awkward. so wonderful. like this gem, which my darling clementine captured at the tax place today. not really sure where she was. all i know is, the picture of her lap which she sent me was covered in tax papers.

no cell phones, no weapons. good to know.

e) my tummy hurts almost all the time. so i went to the doctor on monday. starting next tuesday, i'm supposed to start a gluten-free trial. i am crossing my fingers so hard that that isn't what's the matter with me.. pleasepleaseplease..

f) yesterday chels and i talked for the first time in three weeks. oh my gosh it was beautiful. i miss that girl every day of my life.

g) my favorite material possession in the entire world currently is my zebra striped blanket.

h) i'm guest posting over here today. on account of that paige's family just moved this week and she is now living at her ex-boyfriend's house and has no internet unless she uses her ex-boyfriend's computer to which she cannot find the charger.

clearly it's just better if she has a week of guest posts.

i) and most excitingly, my family is officially in utah!! this is what my weekend looks like: get off work, go home to pack, drive to salt lake, and then family reunionnnn. wooooo.

things change.

when i was in high school, i took ap lit and comp. i loved every day of it. i was good at it. we had a thick book full of essays called the norton reader that was the bane of everybody's existence.

everybody's except mine, that is. i loved that book. i loved reading the formative ideas of important philosophers. i loved marking the pages up. and i loved writing analytical essays. we were expected to complete a 5-7 page reading journal on each essay. i was fast. a 5-7 page paper? easy. give me thirty minutes, no problem. A. done. next, please.

writing was my thing, everybody knew that. i loved it, and it was easy. i declared my major as english, looking forward to a future of spitting papers out effortlessly and seeing A after A on the top of my papers for the rest of my student life.

fast forward two years and three changes of my major. before spring semester, i hadn't written an analytical paper since english 251 my freshman semester of college. i just finished a six page midterm paper on plato's the republic. it took four hours, and i still need to proof-read it, probably twice. it's due at midnight and i'm tired of it. and now i get to write a four-page paper on the iliad and the epic of gilgamesh and oedipus the king.

i'm frustrated. i'm frustrated because i used to be so good at writing and now i struggle with it. i'm frustrated because i had a talent and it doesn't come naturally to me anymore. i'm frustrated because i really, really want an A in this class, but i just don't feel like my brain is wired to read and analyze books anymore. and i'm frustrated because i'm only 19 years old but i feel like i have sacrificed part of my potential.

i used to write in my journal unceasingly. literally. i was glued to my journal. now, i write in my journal once or twice a week. my entries aren't funny, entertaining, insightful, or cunning. they're (brief) summaries of what has happened to me and how i have responded to it. writing a blog post makes my brain work. writing an email feels like it will make my brain explode.

i know that trying new things out is part of growing up. but i wish i hadn't wasted my time doing things that i thought would make me happy. i have strong feelings towards mentally challenged people. working with them at some point in my life would be incredibly fulfilling and i hope to have that opportunity. but right now, at this point in my life, i wish i hadn't spent my time learning about how to be a teacher. i wish i had been spending my time learning how to be taught, how to learn. i feel like i am having to learn all over again what i want in life. i feel like i am having to relearn how to study, how to push myself, how to focus, how to write.

i don't like it.


my journal last week. since my brain doesn't work.

sorry this isn't about hp7 like everybody else..

i go through food phases.

in high school, it was mostly yogurt. and goldfish. and any combination of the two.
freshman year of college it was mostly hamburgers and milkshakes.
sophomore year of college it was mostly saltine crackers with mozzarella cheese.
a few weeks ago it was peanut butter banana chocolate chip sandwiches.
this month it's pulled pork sandwiches.

usually i eat these foods nonstop for a few months, and then i'm extremely indifferent to them slash never want to touch them again. the thought of yogurt makes me a little nauseous, which is weird because i used to eat it by the gallon, practically. i might never eat another hamburger and i don't really mind that too much. (but i haven't really gotten over saltine crackers yet and i still like the occasional pbbcc sandwich.)

but yogurt. yogurt is really the big issue. every few weeks i'm at the store and decide to buy a couple yogurts. "yogurt is so yummy," i think. "it's so good for you. i can eat it for a snack." so i buy it. and then i don't eat it. ever. it just never sounds good to me. so actually i'm not sure if i really don't like yogurt anymore, or if i just haven't tried it in forever and don't remember, but i never say "ohh.. i think i'd like a yogurt today."

except fluffy yogurt. yoplait whips. my maximum obsession in high school. i still like those. the only problem is, about half the time when you open the yogurt, it's all stirred up, like it got shaken up in the grocery bag or something. and then you have to scrape off the top half of the yogurt and not eat it (because, let's be honest, it's all about the texture) and then you only have a half a yogurt.

umm, no.

so today when i opened my yoplait whips for breakfast, i was over-freaking-joyed to find my yogurt in pristine condition. and i ate every bite of it, and i thought to myself, "yogurt isn't so bad. maybe i should eat the other two yogurts in my fridge."

nahhhh. probably not happening.

fridaysaturdaysunday

nothing is perfect and everything is perfect all at the same time.

friday was taylor, life as we know it (heaaaart that movie), and noodles. plus some girl walking around with a raccoon tail.. we don't ask questions.

friday was also mean girls and melted ice cream with chocolate syrup, which resulted in the grossest looking concoction that i swear i will never again eat ice cream in my life.

saturday was crafts, shopping for art supplies, pulled pork sandwiches, harry potter, pita pit, and sweet toothfairy.

(i've made a goal not to buy even one meal this week. considering i only made two meals in the entire last week, that's a pretty tall order. something's messed up with my appetite though and it's not my faaaault!)

saturday was also dear john (perfect) and the weirdest mood of aubrey's and my entire life, which resutled in us laying on the grass outside talking about everything under the sun (moon) until four in the morning. best.night.ever.

sunday began with me answering the phone in my sleep. i woke up confused to see the phone in my hand. i hung up. i put it back down. and then paige called back and left me a voicemail and i went back to sleep.

sunday was yet another awesome sunday school lesson, crafts, starting to clean every inch in my room, mac and cheese, bbq chicken, drives in the rain, and white trash people outside 7 eleven that i didn't even know exist in provo. (the people, not the 7 eleven)

sunday was also a walk in rock canyon, lots and lots of story time with darren and aubrey, and a sunday drive.

and in only two weeks my family will be here and i cannot wait.

dream on, lovergirl

every once in a while i get wishful and i airdry my hair. and while it's drying i imagine that when i unwrap my hair, it will cascade down my back in a tumble of perfectly messy beach waves.

it never does.

never.

i mean, especially right now because it's short (grow faster, puhhhleaaase), but even when it's long. my hair was just not made naturally beautiful. at all. and it is the bane of my existence. so i just wanted to complain about that really quick while i sit here with the hair that i airdried and secretly hoped would turn out attractive and instead looks like a drowned shih tzu puppy. i hate getting ready in the morning.

(or afternoon. whichever the case may be.)

can we talk for a moment about some numbers?

sometimes i just like to be like aubs. actually, if we're being honest, always i like to be like aubs.

days until i'm twenty: 19
ounces of water i've drunk today: 52
times i've peed in the last two hours: 3
peanut butter banana chocolate chip sandwiches i've eaten today: 2
art projects i get to work on this weekend: 4
hours of work between today and next friday: 46
miles in the half marathon i'm running in october: 13.1
goals i really care about: 3
years until i graduate: 3 (unless i get my masters at byu. then plus one, babyy)
feet the candy jar is from me on my desk: 1.5
times i've opened it today: 0
hours of taylor swift i've listened to so far today: 7
advils i've taken in the past two days: 8
page number i opened my computer book to in order to pretend like i was reading it even though it's friday and i have no desire to learn anything: 120

one two three four

there are four things i am loving right now.

a) my job. fer real, it's magic.

b) letters from missionaries and packages in the mail.
(don't love when the letter is a double-letter, as in, i haven't written back since approximately february because i suck..buuuut the letter is currently on its way anyhow being forwarded from my house, hooray.)

c) peanutbutterbananachocolatechip sandwiches hello YUM.


d) gmail chat conversations with bee about snuggling, and email conversations with my mother about hp7p2.

oh, and also the fact that i get to go boating tonighhhhht. i'm from minnesota, land of 10,000 lakes. i wasn't made to go this long without getting on a boat.

it was a good day for a craft

sometimes it just needs to be craft time, yes?! yes.

so yesterday i set to work. i want an easel. i don't have an easel. but maybe in mine and aubrey's [freaking adorable] new townhouse i will have room for an easel in our robins egg blue loft room. (please, august 17, please come faster.)

this is my craft.

step one: make a stencil with an exacto knife and some tagboard. do not forget to keep the insides of the letters.

step two: get the paints and canvas and adhesive the tagboard to the canvas. paint.

step three: love it.

i'll fix the smudges tomorrow. i'm just a little too excited about it right now.

on another note, i'm getting used to my name, which we all know i have not always loved. today while sitting in humanities (which is 4:00-6:30 twice a week in the basement of the jfsb which means no internet and no cell phone service and no i am not kidding. i promise i don't spend all of class on the computer, mom, but the thing is that is a long long time to listen to a teacher talk about greek gods without a few self-imposed breaks..) i realized that my name is perfect for the things i like right now, which include floral prints, this color, and pretty things. so, i like my name now. mostly because i think this is a perfect dress for an amy, and i really, really like this dress:

ps it's my birthday in 20 days. so feel free to get this dress for me. thanks so much.

sometimes

sometimes when nothing is going quite like i imagined it would,
i just try to be thankful.
yes, i'm still in primary.

i am thankful for:
-class in the summertime
-seven peaks
-my mom, dad, and sisters
-whatever-those-red-velvet-things-cristina-made-last-week-are
-new canvas and paints for a craft
-boys who are worthy to hold the priesthood and can give blessings
-a friend who has made me want so badly to be the best i can be
-mac haute and naughty mascara
-the coolest office
-prayer
-the fact that my room gets messy enough i can reclean it almost every day
-my friends
-beautiful summer days
-institute, even when it goes 35 minutes over
-lions

alone.

Toad went to Frog’s house.

He found a note on the door.

The note said,

“Dear Toad, I am not at home.

I went out.

I want to be alone.”

“Alone?” said Toad.

“Frog has me for a friend.

Why does he want to be alone?

Toad looked through the windows.

He looked in the garden.

He did not see Frog.

Toad went to the woods

Frog was not there.

He went to the meadow.

Frog was not there.

Toad went down to the river.

There was Frog.

He was sitting on an island by himself.

“Poor Frog,” said Toad.

He must be very sad.

“I will cheer him up.”

Toad ran home.

He made sandwiches.

He made a pitcher of iced tea.

He put everything in a basket.

Toad hurried back to the river.

“Frog,” he shouted, ‘it’s me.

It’s your best friend, Toad!”

Frog was too far away to hear.

Toad took off his jacket

and waved it like a flag.

Frog was too far away to see.

Toad shouted and waved,

but it was no use.

Frog sat on the island.

He did not see or hear Toad.

A turtle swam by.

Toad climbed on the turtle’s back.

“Turtle,” said Toad,

“carry me to the island.

Frog is there.

He wants to be alone.”

“If Frog wants to be alone,”

said the turtle,

“why don’t you leave him alone?”

“Maybe you are right,” said Toad.

“Maybe Frog does not

want to see me.

Maybe he does not want me

to be his friend anymore.”

“Yes, maybe,” said the turtle

as he swam to the island.

“Frog!” cried Toad.

“I am sorry for all

the dumb things I do.

I am sorry for all

the silly things I say.

Please be my friend again!”

Toad slipped off the turtle.

With a splash, he fell in the river.

Frog pulled Toad

up onto the island.

Toad looked in the basket.

The sandwiches were wet.

The pitcher of iced tea was empty.

“Our lunch is spoiled,” said Toad.

“I made it for you, Frog,

so that you would be happy.”

“But Toad,” said Frog.

“I am happy. I am very happy.

This morning,

when I woke up

I felt good because

the sun was shining.

I felt good because

I was a frog.

And I felt good because

I have you for a friend.

I wanted to be alone.

I wanted to think about

how fine everything is.”

“Oh,” said Toad.

“I guess that is a very good reason

for wanting to be alone.”

“Now,” said Frog,

“I will be glad not to be alone.

Let’s eat lunch.”

Frog and Toad

stayed on the island

all afternoon.

They ate wet sandwiches

without iced tea.

They were two close friends

sitting alone together.